“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman [editorial comment: …or man] finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.” ― Betty Friedan
__________
What makes you unique? What does the voice inside tell you?
Manuela Zeitlhofer | Mental Fitness Coach
Essentially, things just are. We attribute meaning to things and events. Sometimes we dwell in the negative aspects or implications of something, when there really are other sides to everything.
In coaching we use this principle, and we call it reframing: We encourage a different perspective or seeing something in a different light.
Today, I did this with my sandpit: Part of our property consists of a former sandpit that was left in its soil-deprived state. For the past 25 years, nothing more than a few tough grasses, willows and even fewer very tough pines and cedars (all looking like bonsais) have been growing here. In the summer, this bothers my agriculturalist’s heart. Now, with a little bit of snow, the steep banks make marvelous sliding hills. And I wonder what other things in my life need reframing.
How about you? What could you reframe right now? – Please share your thoughts!
I find that with the restrictions imposed on us during COVID, my world is shrinking to the size it was when my daughter was born. Back then, we were living in the wilderness, and I was the only person taking care of the baby. I could not leave the house or have any time to myself for a seemingly long time.
I learned how to carve out a space in my life that would hold who I was, so I would not loose myself. And it worked. For example, instead of going for long walks or do the outdoor chores (like getting water from the creek), started Yoga, which I could do inside with the baby around. I also reframed – that is, give different meaning – to seemingly tedious chores like doing the dished or doing laundry (I washed my daughter’s cloth diapers by hand): The repetitive action of those chores made it possible for me to reflect on life and get into a creative mental space that was relaxing.
I have always enjoyed working from home, and seeing nature change through the seasons right in front of my window. Being homebound during another lockdown is no problem for me. At times though, I miss that I cannot go and see my family when I want, or take my daughter to an indoor pool on a cold winter day. Instead, I find myself in the little and bigger chores that every day life as a mother, wife, duck owner, life coach and teacher brings, like collecting two beautiful duck eggs every morning, engaging in some small talk with the producers and negotiating the details of food – especially peas – exchange with them.
I hope you are in a position where you enjoy life, and you can be who you are without feeling restricted. If that is not the case let me tell you that you have it in you to create those conditions!
Please feel free to share your ideas or questions.
I repainted my mailbox. It looks like new, but the flag is not installed properly yet (long story). When I inspected it today, contemplating how to solve the issue, I noticed beautiful ice crystals on the north-facing side of the mailbox. The south-facing side was steaming in the sunlight.
I was thinking how everything has two sides: literally and metaphorically speaking.
If we accept that our perspective can only be subjective, and that every situation has different aspects to it, then we have to accept that we might not always sit on the sunny side of a reality. And if that is the case, we could infer that there IS indeed a sunn(ier) side to things.
How does that strike you?
By the way, as a life coach I can assist you in finding those other perspectives. And I accept new clients!
“Happiness is a Value, not a Goal!“
That means, happiness is not something to look for, to try to reach, a goal, but a value, something to believe in, a moment-to-moment way of being!
Does this sound familiar? – “I will be happy when _______” (fill the blank).
What did you wish for as a child? – Your next birthday gift? As a teenager? – Your driver’s licence? As a young adult? – A good job? / A wonderful partner? – And once you got what you were wishing for, how long did your happiness last before you filled in the blank with something new, a new condition for your happiness? What are you longing for or chasing today? – Do you think this ____ (fill the blank) will make you sustainably happy? It is an endless cycle in the pursuit of happiness.
How can we break the cycle? Can we be happy here and now? Independent of circumstance?
Here are a few mental exercises that can help you create new thinking habits that make it possible to be happy, independent of pursuit:
Talk to and about yourself in compassionate ways
Instead of being hard on yourself for all your flaws, your failures and mistakes, assure yourself:
_______ (Your name), you are perfectly human, with all your imperfections, just like everyone else. Let’s acknowledge what is wonderful about you, like _______ (fill the blank), and have fun improving you a little bit every day.”
Talk to and about others in constructive ways
Instead of dwelling on a situation that feels hard or impossible to change, assure yourself:
Like you, dear ________ (your name), everybody around you is perfectly imperfect. Their essence is a beautiful as yours. To draw out their best, concentrate on interacting with that part of them!”
Talk about your circumstances in solution-oriented ways
Instead of focussing on mishaps failures, assure yourself:
Every event or circumstance can be a gift. It can be turned into an opportunity. What is a mistake or failure you could look at and see potential in?
“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”
_____________
Milton Berle
What door would you like to build today?
For a seemingly long time, the work was becoming smaller as global travel became easier and more and more affordable. Then, a pandemic hit, and the world seemed to expand. Sometimes, the other side of the earth seems to be as far away as another planet. Then again, we are interacting and working with people from all over the world, often in a virtual setting.
In my work as a teacher and a life coach I have come to learn about the cultural challenges a global setting can provide for individuals. In a synthesis of my training as a sociologist, my experience as a teacher, and the many wonderful things I learned from people I have worked with, I have created a program.
The series is called “Developing a Global Cultural Mindset”. Part 1 is all about VALUES: Values answer the question:
“In a world where you could choose to have your life be about something,
what would you choose?”
(Wilson & Murrell, 2004, 135)
Why is it important to be aware of our values? – Values are our inner compass. Being aware of our values helps us navigate our life in the direction that we choose.
For a short time, the first self-exploratory exercise “Reflection on Values” is available for free.
We live behind an industrial woodlot. This time of the year, the guys (male-dominated workplace) are cutting and shredding wood. We see them twice a day on the way to and from the school bus, and we wave at them. They wave back. That is usually the extent of our interactions. Friendly neighbors.
When my daughter’s friend came over, I asked the girls to stay well away from any big equipment. I also mentioned that we wave at the guys to say hi. My daughter’s friend’s mother (I am calling her Clara) said that no, they don’t to that, because you never know the intentions of strangers.
That comment stirred up a set of emotions in me.
Then I took a step back from the situation. I could sense the motivation behind Clara’s comment: concern for her daughter’s well-being. And there was our common ground, because of course I could relate to that.
What do you think about abstracting from the problem at hand to the theme behind it, and dealing with it at that level? Have you been in a similar situation? Did this method help you in any way?
Please feel free to leave a comment!
