From „I have to“ to “I will”
Have to > Can > Prefer to > Want to > Intend to > Will

When was the last time you said “I have to [verb]”. And what was the feeling that accompanied that statement? The thought I am inviting you to think with me today is about the connection between how we speak, how we feel and how much power and freedom we give ourselves:

Step 1: Obligation | “I have to” / “I must”
When we say “I have to” or “I must”, we are expressing that there is an obligation, or an external locus of control. We do not have much choice, and our freedom is at best very small.

My example sentence is “I have to do the dishes!”. Because I have been there.

So, as we look at this “ladder of powerful speaking”*, or the modal verbs in our language, we tweak what we say and see what happens.

A step up towards more autonomy would be “possibility”.

Step 2: Possibility | “I can” / “I might”
Instead of “must”, I now choose “can”, or “might”: “I might do the dishes” or “I can do the dishes”. Do you feel the difference? The dishes are still dirty, but I give myself a bit of room around the chore.

Step 3: Preference | “I prefer to”
We can step up a bit more, and gain a slightly different perspective (metaphorically speaking), by expressing a preference: “I prefer to do the dishes” (sometimes, after convincing myself that there is even more freedom when the dishes are done, REALLY prefer to do the dishes over procrastinating before hand).

Step 4: Passion | “I want to”
That’s not all though, we can also get up another step to a passionate statement like, “I want to do the dishes”. Can you feel the excitement? And we are not even at the top yet!

Step 5: Plan | “I intend to” / “I am planning to”
The second to last step is taking us very close to action. By saying “I intend to doing the dishes”, I can almost feel the warm water and smell the dish soap. Can you as well?

Step 6: Promise | “I promise” / “I will”
The last step, with the best view and the most potential is the “promise step”. When I tell myself, “I promise to do the dishes”, I feel the obligation dripping away, and the freedom my choice offers me energize me.

My name is Manuela Zeitlhofer. |
As a transformation coach, I am assisting people in changing their perspective, one step at a time.

*Source: “Human Being”, by Dave Ellis & Stan Lankowitz, 1995 (p.62-64)